


soulmates

by plinth_of_life



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Gay, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 19:20:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20013475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinth_of_life/pseuds/plinth_of_life
Summary: Dan Howell reflects on the nature of soulmates and his in particular. The word becomes more and more meaningful over the course of 2018 and 2019.





	1. do you believe in soulmates?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you believe in soulmates? This question keeps Dan up at night and inspires an addition to the script of his coming out video.
> 
> Inspired by this livestream (https://youtu.be/evA3V4n66ZA?t=2730) (“Why I Deleted Some Old Videos”, 4/4/2018)

**4 April 2018**

[“Do you believe in soulmates?”](https://youtu.be/evA3V4n66ZA?t=2730)

  
Dan read the question aloud to the camera. For the past 45 minutes of his livestream, he had been going through the chat, discussing various innocuous topics like K-Pop, hair products, and TV shows. But this question struck Dan a little differently than the rest. It was a question he had first asked himself eight and a half years ago when the notion of a soulmate suddenly became plausible. Since then, his mind continually pondered the question, as his inherent cynicism began to clash with newfound romance. By now, he was relatively certain of the answer so, without hesitation, he looked directly at the camera and shared his opinion.

  
“I don’t believe in souls but I believe in, like, general compatibility which is two people…” As he recalled which two people he was talking about, he nervously looked away from the camera. “...that — you just — if you just get on with someone really well, someone that you can spend time with,” he stammered, “is that a soulmate? Maybe.”

  
As he glanced at the chat and saw the winky faces and heart emojis start flooding in, he suddenly realised how much he implied about his personal life. He started to backtrack, closing his eyes and anxiously stuttering through his words.

  
“I mean, you know, like, what are you saying? Do I believe in the concept of the definition of soulmates or a literal mate of a soul?” He returned to his first point, simplifying the topic of conversation to the existence of souls so that he could swiftly move on.

  
“If which case, I say no. But I’m just saying that, uh, you can, you know…” He let out a tense chuckle. “Sorry, I hate crushing people’s spiritual dreams…” As he swallowed the last few words, he let out a breathy laugh and immediately moved on to the next question.

  
He finished up the livestream in three minutes as his train of thought began to deteriorate. As he turned off the camera, his mind returned to the notion of soulmates.

He was surprised that such a deep concept came from the chat, a feed usually consisting of inane questions and rabid fangirling. It was almost as if some force of destiny compelled him to read it, like that word in question would mean significantly more in the future than he could even imagine. 

Dan shook his head in an attempt to ward off any more philosophical pondering. Unlike his partner, he wasn’t the type to believe in the supernatural. Fate and destiny weren’t real, he reasoned, and signs from the universe don’t generally arrive via livestream chat rooms anyways.

  
…

  
Dan couldn’t sleep that night. Though cuddling with Phil before bed and falling asleep with his partner’s arms around his waist was usually enough to ward off insomnia, tonight his thoughts kept him awake. His head was filled with an echoing question, loud enough to make him think the sound was real.

_What is a soulmate? What is a soulmate? What is a soulmate?_

  
He carefully sat up, trying to move Phil’s arms as little as possible. He reached over to the bedside table and unplugged his laptop, placing it in front of him. The document he was looking for was left open on the screen. He scrolled through pages of stories, notes, and lighting cues to find the section that he had been struggling to complete. Now that he had alluded to the upcoming video in today’s livestream, a video he hoped to release in June as a spiritual sequel to “Trying to Live My Truth”, he felt increasingly pressured to finish the script, and this section in particular. He knew that in order to actually live his truth, he would have to mention the man sleeping beside him. Phil was an integral part of the story Dan needed to tell but how would Dan talk about him without revealing too much? How would he describe the man that turned his life around, made him believe in love, and even caused him to question the existence of fate? How could he have even found Phil without the intervention of destiny? Recalling what he told his camera, and by extension his live audience, earlier that day, the right word came to mind in an instant.

  
…

  
Dan woke up to find himself alone in the bedroom. He fell asleep in the midst of writing yet his laptop had been returned to the bedside table. He laughed at the thought of Phil finding Dan slumped over his computer and gingerly removing it without waking him. Realizing that he needed to tell Phil what his late night revelation was, Dan wandered over to the kitchen, following the scent of breakfast being made. Phil was busy buttering toast and making coffee when Dan walked in, placing a hand on his shoulder, and giving him a peck on the cheek.

  
“Morning, love,” Phil said, turning to Dan and kissing him on the forehead. “Up to some late night writing? Did you get struck by inspiration in your sleep?”

  
“Yeah… I just couldn’t stop thinking about something from yesterday’s livestream. I dunno, it was such a random moment yet it hasn’t left my mind.”

  
“Care to explain? Did you say something that’s all over tumblr by now?” Phil asked as he resumed preparing breakfast.

  
Dan chuckled. “Probably. Someone in the chat asked ‘Do you believe in soulmates?’. I really didn’t know how to respond, I ended up deflecting the question and moving on pretty quickly.”

  
Phil paused, the butter knife hovering over a piece of golden brown bread. “Is that what was keeping you up at night?” Phil turned to Dan again, staring directly into his chocolate brown eyes. “You were editing the script for your video, I knew it! I tried not to peek at what was on your screen but I couldn’t help myself. All I saw was that word ‘soulmate’... next to my name.”

  
“That’s actually what I needed to talk to you about. I told the audience about the video during the livestream. They have no idea what it’s about but they know it’s coming in June. I need to get most of it done before the tour starts but I’ve been stuck on… well you know the part I’m talking about.”

  
“Let’s take a seat before we get into this discussion again, dear,” Phil said as he handed Dan a plate of toast. He grabbed two mugs from the cabinet, poured the coffee, added the cream and sugar, then brought the mugs over to the table. He picked up his plate of toast and sat down next to his partner before he spoke again.

  
“Ok, I know we already agreed that you needed to mention me, well _us_ , but what does this soulmate business have to do with that?”

  
“Well, I’ve been struggling to find the right word to describe whatever this thing is between us and I think I finally found it,” Dan said before taking a sip of coffee. “I can’t call you my boyfriend or my partner on camera, we can’t be that explicit. But I can’t just refer to you as my friend or even best friend either since that’s not exactly accurate and the fans will see right through it. So, I think soulmate is the right choice.”

  
“A little too mystical for your brand but I like it. Not necessarily romantic but it implies something more than platonic. I’m just worried it’s a little too honest. We agreed that there needs to be a certain degree of plausible deniability here.”

  
Dan’s eyes lit up and he took Phil’s hand in his own. “I have an idea! But it requires a minor edit to the script for the tour.”

  
“Whatever you say, soulmate.” Phil batted his eyelashes at Dan, who exaggeratedly rolled his eyes in response before pulling Phil closer to him and leaning into a warm kiss.

  
“I love you, soulmate. Even if you are corny as hell,” Dan whispered as he pulled away from the kiss.

  
“Love you too, rat!” Phil chuckled as Dan’s eyes began to roll again.

  
“Now that’s a much better word to describe us.”


	2. soulmates forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil lose track of time as the "Interactive Introverts" tour begins and the deadline for Dan's secret video approaches. The addition to the script of the tour make him and his soulmate wonder how far they should go to live their truths.

**9 August 2018**

Time must have stopped on that summer evening in Los Angeles, if only for a moment, as the two men occupying a stage in the heart of the city were in a state of suspension. Their intense eye contact made up for their physical separation and, as they continued to be suspended in this paused timeline, only the two of them occupied the theater. The stage they stood upon was no longer a place where they needed to perform as their internet personas, but instead somewhere they could express their authentic personalities, hidden desires, and closely guarded secrets.

As Dan and Phil broke their gaze, time resumed its steady pace, and the duo remembered that thousands of people were studying their every move. Their secrets still had to be retained and their desires still needed continuous limitations, but the nature of their relationship didn’t need to be a performance anymore. They knew that their spectators were in on the ruse. Only so many suspicious jump-cuts, conspicuous innuendos, and longing glances could be passed off as coincidental. So, in typical Dan and Phil fashion, they had to give the audience a little tease.

…

“Super best friends and soulmates forever, huh? A bit cheesy, don’t you think?”

Dan looked up from his laptop as Phil spoke. He did think the altered line was a bit over the top but the change seemed necessary after his post-livestream pondering a few days ago.

“Well, we do have to give them a show, mate. Just think about the screaming we’ll get from those last two words. I can feel my ears trembling at the thought of it.”

Phil chuckled but his smile soon faded to an expression of concern. “I’m worried it’s a bit too overt, though, especially if your project isn’t ready by June. What are people going to think about two supposedly straight dudes calling each other ‘soulmates forever’?”

Dan’s face twisted and his brows furrowed at the mention of his upcoming video. “It’s going to be ready, dammit! And people don’t exactly think we’re two totally heterosexual, platonic bros after nine years of evidence to the contrary. Would you like it if we suggest that we secretly hate each other instead? That’ll really throw them off our scent.”

Phil got up from his chair and crossed the room, joining Dan on the couch and attempting to reign in his partner’s anger. Dan initially responded with a jolt as Phil placed his hand on his partner’s back, before settling back against the cushions and letting Phil soothe him. He spoke softly and slowly, rubbing circles on Dan’s back and playing with the curls on his head.

“Baby, it’s alright. If you get the video done, I’ll be so very proud of you. But if you don’t, I’ll be just as proud that you are brave enough to give them a glimpse of our life together. And if you really want to suggest that you hate me, at least call me your soulmate first to soften the blow a little.”

“Oh, I do hate you. I would have been out the door years ago if not for these sensual back rubs.” Dan smirked as he settled his head against Phil’s chest and felt his partner’s calm breaths, hoping the steady rhythm could anchor him to this moment in time for a little longer.

…

As April neared its end, Dan and Phil prepared for their show in Brighton, the first of many planned for this tour. Minutes before show time, the two held each other backstage, trying to squeeze the nervous energy out of each other. They pulled back and silently stared into each other’s eyes, aware of the live microphones taped to their faces. Dan wiggled his eyebrows and Phil held back a snort. The pair smiled and turned to walk on stage, ready for the first night of living their truth.

...

June was spent bouncing around the UK, then the rest of Europe and finally the US. Dan and Phil had little alone time to “unwind”, let alone time for independent projects. The secret video fell to the wayside as time moved a little too fast for Dan’s production schedule to keep up with. They both knew his deadlines were unrealistic but that didn’t stop Dan from feeling any less disappointed as he stared at the clock on his bedside table, tears beginning to fall as June 30th melted into July 1st at the stroke of midnight. Phil reached over and turned the clock the other way, wrapping his arm around Dan in the process. He tucked his chin into Dan’s shoulder and kissed his wet cheek. He kept the position for the rest of the evening, holding his partner in their hotel bed, trying to make it feel a little more like home. Neither could reach complete sleep, floating in half-awake stasis instead, both cursing the fickle pace of time.

...

By August, Dan had accepted that he would have to keep one foot in the closet for another year. Even if he couldn’t be fully authentic, he still got a rush during every show when “soulmates forever” triggered screams as loud as he anticipated. Tonight was a bit different though. The audience would be bigger and louder, movie cameras would be filming from an excessive amount of angles, and every punchline had to elicit an audience reaction worthy enough to go on the DVD. But when they approached the line in question, Dan knew that all he had to do was look into his soulmate’s eyes to pause the progress of time and for a few halted seconds, they could make a life together in an empty theater in the heart of the city of dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please check out Chapter One if you haven't already and feel free to leave feedback! <3


	3. actual soulmates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is finally ready to film his coming out video and, by doing so, tell the world about his soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last work in the soulmates series. I hope you enjoyed all three chapters! <3

**Spring 2019**

****Dan was not normally the first to wake up but today was certainly not a normal day. He would be spending the entire day filming the video that was over a year in the making and his anxieties about it kept him wide awake that morning. At least, he had Phil beside him, in all his unconscious glory, to calm his nerves. Sometimes, Dan found it hard to believe that Phil had consistently been by his side for almost 10 years.

How was it even possible that they found each other at all? Dan’s life was saved by a handful of tweets, directed at his YouTube crush that had an audience of thousands. By chance, Phil noticed Dan’s tweets out of all the rest and even found the motivation to reply. Or was it by chance? Out of all the people on the planet, it seemed that Phil was the most qualified to provide Dan what he needed in that dark time. He was an out gay person, one of the first that Dan ever met. He was kind, creative, and trustworthy. He ended up falling for Dan just as hard as Dan had fallen for Phil. Hell, even their zodiac signs were perfectly compatible and Phil basically predicted that they would meet based on a random tarot card.

As these thoughts raced through Dan’s mind, he began to lose his grip on reality. There was seemingly no other explanation for their partnership except for some supernatural force of fate. They were literally two souls who came into the world destined to find each other. Perhaps in some parallel universe, Dan was a depressed, closeted lawyer stuck in a miserable yet disgustingly ordinary life in Wokingham. Or, without Phil, he may not have even survived his depressive teenage spiral. But Dan would save that conversation for another day when he could tell the camera his dark secret in preparation for telling Phil.

However, by some sort of magic or perhaps by mere coincidence, Dan was alive, happy, and in love. Though he was still terrified to confirm years worth of Internet speculation and tell the world that his life with Phil really was a love story, he couldn’t be more grateful to be a part of that story.

...

Dan, adorned in a sequined jacket and bathed in yellow-green light, had been speaking to the camera for hours, but it had felt like weeks. Reciting the script he had been writing for over a year reminded him of how far this project had come. He remembered when and where each section was written but the memory of the following lines was one of the more visceral. Before he spoke, his mind flashed back to April 2018, before he and Phil toured the world, before he realized that coming out would be an even longer process than originally intended. He eventually forced himself to stop reminiscing so he could get on with the next part, the section that the internet would find the most intriguing.

“And this is when, through the magic of the Internet, I met Phil.”

He felt as if a weight was lifted from his chest when he told the camera about their love story, or at least hinted at it. Finally, he could be open and honest, explaining how his relationship with Phil really was romantic, but how it was so much more than that too.

“We are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates…” 

There were truly no better words to express what Phil meant to Dan. Not even the way they portrayed themselves in the tour came close to how they really were. Dan had always been an inherently skeptical person but one of the only true certainties he held onto was the fact that Phil was his best friend. He knew that they’d be spending the rest of their lives together. And he was 99% sure that their souls were destined to meet. Well, he still had a percentage of skepticism left so he had to include one aside.

“…not that souls are a real thing that exist.”

With his last few words, Dan turned off the camera. Though he ended on a sardonic note, he was still feeling emotional over the previous lines. On the verge of tears, he needed to take a break before he could continue filming. At that moment, Phil appeared and approached Dan, looking glorious under the neon lights. Dan looked up through wet, blurry vision. Without a word, Phil embraced him, holding him tight as if he was all Dan needed to protect him from the rest of the world and perhaps he was. Time seemed to stop on that spring afternoon in London, at least for a moment, as the two souls brought together by some universal magic, became one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! find me on tumblr @queerendeavors
> 
> kudos / comments / reblogs are always appreciated <3


End file.
